The Surprising Purpose of Anger: Beyond Anger Management, Finding the Gift
Living Nonviolent Communication: Practical Tools to Connect and Communicate Skillfully in Every Situation
By Marshall Rosenberg, PhD
I love the idea that anger is not something that needs to be suppressed, but, a gift that allows us to connect to unmet needs that are triggering this reaction. Take the following situation as an example. In a family system where one of the individuals struggles with feeling unheard and undervalued normally bursts out in anger at a family gathering in the slightest hint of criticism; he decides then, before reacting, to step back and listen to what his heart and mind are telling him in that very moment. As he listens and connects to his internal wisdom, he can choose to make a clear request or revel in the inner peace he has found within himself. Choosing in that moment to not claim himself as a victim, falling into the predictable dysfunctional pattern time and time again.
Nonviolent communication teaches us that anger is an alarm that tells us we are thinking in ways that will likely not meet our needs and may lead to unconstructive interactions, intensifying stress. All the while, anger is a very real emotion that needs to be felt and expressed in purposeful, intentional ways. If you are driving and a check engine light appears, do you slow down and try to figure out what the car needs or do you explode uncontrollably. Similarly, when we get angry, we need to slow down and try to figure out what this anger is telling us.
Nonviolent communication explains four steps to handle anger.
Become aware of the true stimulus or trigger that is causing the anger, being as honest with yourself as possible.
Understand that the stimulus or trigger is not what is causing the anger, it is our perception of it. Then, looking deeper within to let go of the judgement that is associated with the stimulus allows us to connect with the moment rather than alienating ourselves further.
Begin to understand what exactly is the need behind the anger. This allows for the anger to be directed towards solutions of nourishing an unmet need.
Then, in the anger provoking situation, once needs are understood, finding a way to assertively communicate a request for resolution. All anger can not be resolved, this means knowing that you did what you could to reflect through this process as honestly as possible. An ability to feel anger, understand the underlying unmet need, and communicating effectively can be self affirming.
This process can be a great guide to nurture extraordinary relationships personally, at work, and in greater social contexts.
