Mindfulness to Manage Difficulty in Preparation for the Holidays
How to begin to explore difficulty
As a mindfulness practice develops you may naturally begin to notice more deeply ingrained patterns and feedback cycles that you can identify as creating protective behaviors within yourself, such as; avoidance or suppression. These patterns at one point worked for you, to help you make it through a difficult situation, but somewhere along the way they have become stuck and dysfunctional leading to a whole string of potential aversive behaviors.
With mindful awareness, You will begin to notice ways that you have been conditioned within your family system and social system and which patterns are contributing to this dysfunctional stuck behavior. This is the first step. Understanding the patterns of dysfunctional behavior will not make the years of deeply ingrained patterns magically disappear over night. It takes concious work to redirect years of conditioned, neurological feedback patterns.
So, awareness is key in beginning to understand stuck patterns and then, in the moment, gradually learning how to move from being stuck. This can happen by allowing yourself to explore difficulty rather than suppressing or avoiding it. By facing difficulty head on one can learn how to navigate through difficult thoughts, emotions, and feelings that immobilize us and keep us from growing and living a prosperous life.
I’m sure everyone can think of a particular relationship or situation that brings, internal conflict and annoyance, especially during the holidays. Family patterns are some of the most difficult to dissect and navigate through with dignity and respect. It’s much easier to explode and give someone the silent middle finger (speaking for a friend here) or blame someone to place the problem elsewhere or pretend that they do not exist. I mean honestly, does anyone else identify with the problem of…. When around family all of a sudden regressing into a 3rd grade whiny, complainy, tattle tell self…(my friend can).
Well, let me tell you, an inability to navigate through difficulty can eventually lead to symptoms and problems with depression. Avoidance and repression do not work, not for long periods of time, ever! It’s almost better to say something that you regret than to avoid or repress something internally (unless you're a teenager and your parents have the ability to ship you off into the abyss, in the opinion of my friend here).
Try this simple meditation for managing difficulty
Find a comfortable seat and allow yourself to feel alert and awake.
Notice yourself feeling grounded with your feet firmly planted into the ground.
Notice your spine elongating and sitting tall in your chair.
Create space between your shoulders and your ears as you sit as tall as you possible can, with your feet grounded into the earth.
Shift your attention to your heart, then your lungs. Notice your breath. Notice your heart.
Listen to the rhythm of your breath and follow the complete inhale and exhale sequence as you begin to feel settled and grounded.
If you are able, think if a situation or a relationship that bothers you and is very difficult to be present with.
Acknowledge the difficulties that you feel when you think about this situation or relationship.
Shift your awareness to any part of your self that feels the tension and stress of this situation or relationship.
Focus on your breath and mindfully allowing yourself to be with the intensity of the tension in that part of your self.
Challenge yourself to allow yourself to stay with the feelings of that intensity rather than getting pulled back into the thought that the story in your mind brings.
While you are listening to your breath and breathing into tension and difficult within yourself, say to yourself “I am okay, I can manage this”.
When you are ready allow yourself to let go of the difficulty, going back to listening and guiding your breath.
End by repeating a mantra to yourself, through your voice of confidence listen to the clarity of your voice.
Imagine yourself with this confidence of breath and body to make a resolving statement towards the situation or the person, out loud.
Maybe all you need to say is, “I hear you and I am okay”.
Around the holidays, it may be helpful to practice this meditation each day for 5 or 10 minutes for a few weeks or a month (maybe a year or two for some) before family gatherings so that when you are actually around family and pulled into dysfunctional family patterns and stories that take over the neurological processes, you will be more prepared to face the impulse of avoidance, suppression, or even uncontrolled outbursts; with dignity and respect and proactive choice.
For those who are new to practicing mindfulness, at times, it does seem very, I don’t know….impractical. But, you will find that it can help manage the most difficult and impossible situations and people, so let yourself take the judgement out of practicing mindfulness. It is a great tool; and an even better tool, if you can allow yourself to develop a mindful practice for every day living and being.
