The Autonomic Request for Connection
The language of attachment teaches us the importance of connection to our loved ones. When we feel threatened and our alarm system is triggered if our loved one is not available the fear center in our brain sets an automatic response of nonthinking directly into feeling and action.
Fear is a part of life, for those of us who have a secure bond, when we experience fear, after the threat has subsided, we can quickly return to comfort and reassurance. When there is no secure bond or a loved one to return to for safety, fear can turn into an overwhelming sense of panic.
This has been coined as “primal panic” by neuroscientist Jaak Pankseep of Washington State University. Once our fear center becomes overwhelmed without the reassurance of a safe, secure connection two things can happen. One, a person can become demanding and clingy in an effort to find security to meet their needs; or Two, a person can become withdrawn and detached to provide protection for themselves. These primal panic strategies can lead to problems with depression and anxiety and worsen over time in the absence of a secure connection.
Until human beings are old enough to rely on themselves and their ability to form secure connections in their environment they rely on adults to teach and model to them what a secure attachment is. This is why it is important for adults to do their own work within themselves to nurture secure bonds and skills to repair damaged bonds. It is a proactive way to model healthy attachment and self security for their children. This can be very difficult if someone has been raised in a dysfunctional family system. But, it is possible and being a good example for their children is motivation enough to change the dysfunctional family patterns.
To strengthen an autonomic request for secure connection mindfulness and awareness can help.
This helps bring explicit attention to implicit communication signals using the social engagement system to better understand nervous system’s response cycles.
The nervous system is a relational system, constantly sending and receiving signals from the environment to the brain and then triggering a response within ourselves accordingly, perpetuating positive and negative feedback cycles constantly.
As a human being we are wired for connection, through eye contact, tone of voice, body language etc. The nervous system has been shaped like a map potentially from conception of birth. So awareness in our pre-established neural blue print is essential to help our nervous system progress in healthy ways.
Mindful Exercise for Autonomic Awareness and Connection
During a social interaction begin to notice:
What are my eyes signaling?
What is my voice expressing?
What is the intention behind the tone of my voice?
What is my body language conveying?
Then reciprocally notice what your brain signals to you when receiving these signals from others.
*You can practice this exercise in dyadic conversation with your loved one at the dinner table, a nature walk, or really anytime spending intentional, mindful time together.
